How to Know a Person

The Art of Seeing Others Deeply and Being Deeply Seen

by David Brooks

4.6(3,934 ratings)

9 min read

Brief overview

This book offers a practical guide to deepening our connections by truly seeing and hearing those around us. Through relatable stories and reflective tools, it helps you understand how empathy, patience, and thoughtful questions can transform everyday interactions into rich, meaningful relationships.

A Warm Welcome

We all crave to be seen, yet modern life often pushes us into distant, transactional relationships. Imagine how satisfying it could feel if someone suddenly noticed not just your words, but your internal aches and dreams as well.

The central idea here is that authentic connection arises when two people invest in mutual presence. Instead of skating past “Hi, how are you?”, we pause and regard each other with genuine interest. This type of attention is a powerful way to reduce loneliness and distrust.

Throughout these pages, you’ll learn why seeing someone else deeply—and being deeply seen in return—can transform lives and rekindle our sense of belonging. Whether it’s a family gathering or a business meeting, there’s always a doorway to richer, realer rapport.

"We see ourselves as others see us, and when we feel invisible, we have a tendency to fall to pieces."

Why True Connection Matters

Good relationships are built when we stop treating others like objects—cogs in a system, or stepping-stones to our own goals. True connection involves an attentive exchange that honors someone’s full humanity. This is about slowly restoring trust in a fractious world.

Historically, communities survived by forming strong relational links. Today, social media and hurried daily routines often break or dilute those links. The result: rising loneliness and misunderstanding. The author points out that it’s not enough to talk about ‘community’; we need the concrete skills of human encounter.

When we see friends, colleagues, or even strangers truly, we help them feel validated and respected. And they do the same for us. This act of mutual recognition can be the most potent way to heal disconnection—one conversation, one moment of focused care at a time.

Small, consistent gestures of attention can restore a sense of worth in someone’s life.

Looking to dive deeper into How to Know a Person?

Download our app to unlock every key idea and gain full access.

What is How to Know a Person about?

"How to Know a Person: The Art of Seeing Others Deeply and Being Deeply Seen" by David Brooks is a transformative guide to fostering authentic relationships. At its core, the book delves into the subtle art of connecting with others—beyond superficial interactions and societal norms. It invites readers to explore the principles of empathy, active listening, and genuine curiosity. Through poignant narratives and actionable strategies, Brooks highlights the immense value of recognizing and appreciating the complex layers of human experiences, helping readers cultivate deeper bonds.

The book is essential for those seeking to navigate personal and professional relationships with greater empathy and understanding. Brooks addresses the widespread issue of loneliness and disconnection, suggesting that the ability to 'see' and be 'seen' can eradicate these feelings. He offers practical insights into fostering environments where everyone feels valued, thereby repairing the fragile social fabric. This work encourages readers to explore beyond the surface and engage in meaningful exchanges that are often overlooked in today’s digitized, fast-paced world.

Review of How to Know a Person

David Brooks’ "How to Know a Person" stands out for its profound insights into human connection. One of the book's key strengths is its ability to marry philosophical concepts with practical advice, making it accessible and applicable to everyday life. Brooks' approachable prose invites readers from all walks of life to engage deeply with the material, transcending boundaries of profession, age, or background.

The book underscores the significance of cultivating skills like empathy and careful listening. Brooks introduces readers to the idea of becoming 'Illuminators'—individuals adept at making others feel seen, heard, and valued. This theme resonates profoundly, as it offers actionable takeaways that can be readily incorporated into day-to-day interactions. By encouraging readers to perceive beyond stereotypes and labels, the book reveals how such practices can lead to more enriching and compassionate relationships.

"How to Know a Person" is beneficial for anyone striving to enhance their interpersonal skills and relationships. The narrative is engaging, with a conversational tone that feels like a dialogue with the author himself. Brooks’ methodical approach and use of relatable anecdotes make the concepts easily digestible and inspiring. I highly recommend it for individuals, educators, and leaders aiming to foster more inclusive and understanding communities.

Who should read How to Know a Person?

Professionals focused on personal and team development will find valuable insights into creating harmonious work environments.
Educators and mentors seeking ways to connect better with their students and mentees can apply these communication strategies for significant impact.
Those navigating complex personal relationships will discover useful tools for deepening bonds and resolving misunderstandings.
Anyone grappling with feelings of loneliness or isolation can benefit from practical advice on fostering genuine connections.
Leaders and managers looking to build a more inclusive and supportive workplace culture will find the book's principles transformative.

About the author

David Brooks is a Canadian-born American author, political and cultural commentator, and columnist for The New York Times. He graduated from the University of Chicago in 1983 with a BA in history and has over 40 years of experience in journalism and writing. Brooks has authored several non-fiction books, including "The Social Animal" and "The Road to Character," and has received numerous awards and honorary degrees, including being elected a fellow of the American Academy of Arts and Sciences in 2010. In his latest book, "How to Know a Person: The Art of Seeing Others Deeply and Being Deeply Seen," Brooks explores the challenges of truly understanding others and guides readers in developing greater empathy and consideration for others.