The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work

A Practical Guide from the Country's Foremost Relationship Expert

by John Gottman, Julie Schwartz Gottman

4.5(1,441 ratings)

11 min read

Brief overview

This book lays out seven research-based principles that strengthen the friendship and trust inside a marriage. It highlights the everyday ways partners can practice empathy, kindness, and emotional connection to create a union that endures both conflict and life changes.

A Fresh Take on Marriage

Marriage can feel like a puzzle everyone’s trying to solve. This opening section reminds us that successful relationships are not about perfection but about establishing a strong base of friendship and mutual respect. While arguments and life stressors are inevitable, couples with a deep sense of connection have a better shot at weathering conflicts together.

The core message is that love thrives (or withers) through small moments of connection each day rather than grand gestures. We sometimes assume big surprises keep marriages alive, but daily kindness and attention are the real keys. The smallest encouraging words or simple gestures can strengthen the emotional bond.

This approach relies on studying couples in a real-world context. It’s not built on guesswork but on patterns observed over years. Frequent habits like listening attentively, showing appreciation, and responding to your partner’s bids for help or affection create a lasting, positive cycle.

By focusing on what actually works for happy couples, this method shows even struggling partners how to shift communication and transform tension into closeness. It’s a hopeful start, emphasizing that every marriage can find fresh footing.

The Foundations of a Healthy Marriage

A central idea here is that a fulfilling marriage begins with a deep friendship. That means truly knowing each other’s inner worlds—likes, dislikes, dreams, and worries. This knowledge helps couples remain emotionally connected, even when life gets complicated.

Another important element is maintaining a positive perspective, which involves appreciating each other’s efforts and noticing strengths. When partners are respectful and honor each other’s individuality, even big disagreements don’t spiral into contempt. Instead, discussions become a chance to learn and grow.

It’s not about fixing every quirk in your spouse. Instead, it’s about valuing them as they are and staying curious about their internal experiences. This curiosity fosters empathy, making it easier to offer sincere support rather than judgment.

Small acts—like remembering your partner’s favorite meal or calling them at work—accumulate. They build a stronger emotional bank account, ready to carry you both through more challenging times. The more you turn these actions into habits, the more stable and loving your marriage becomes.

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What is The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work about?

"The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work," authored by esteemed relationship experts John Gottman and Julie Schwartz Gottman, offers a transformative and research-backed roadmap for cultivating enduring, loving relationships. The book distills the complexities of marital challenges into seven practical principles that aim to fortify the bedrock of any union: friendship and mutual understanding.

With years of data and hands-on experience, the Gottmans illustrate that a thriving marriage is more than just the absence of conflict. It's about fostering an emotional connection through empathy, communication, and lasting respect. From addressing minor disagreements to navigating more profound, perpetual issues, the principles provided are designed to support couples through the ordinary and extraordinary moments of married life.

Rooted in a genuine understanding of human emotions and dynamics, this guide shows how small gestures and consistent attention can expand love into a profound and purposeful partnership. This book serves as an indispensable companion for anyone seeking to transform conflict into a deeper, shared meaning in their marriage.

Review of The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work

John and Julie Schwartz Gottman's "The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work" stands out for its deeply empirical approach to relationship advice, avoiding anecdotal pitfalls while providing scientifically-proven strategies to strengthen marital bonds. This work's brilliance lies in its ability to translate complex emotional behaviors into actionable steps that any couple can integrate into their daily lives.

One of the book's key strengths is its clarity and directness. The author’s expert division between solvable and perpetual problems provides readers with a framework to not only tackle immediate issues but also embrace deeper, long-standing differences. This empowers couples to engage in constructive dialogue instead of striving for unrealistic resolutions, thus instilling a sense of peace and understanding in their marriage.

The writing style is accessible yet rich in wisdom, blending professional insight with conversational warmth. This ensures the principles cater to a broad audience, including academics, therapists, and individuals new to marital advice. Each chapter is laced with practical applications—the love maps as a relational compass, for example—making it invaluable for anyone committed to nurturing their relationship.

Highly recommended for those ready to transform their relationship landscape, this book is a toolkit for ensuring longevity and warmth in marriage, proving every couple can cultivate profound change through empathy and informed action.

Who should read The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work?

**Couples Seeking Relationship Enrichment:** This book is ideal for partners who wish to deepen their emotional connection and strengthen their marital bond.
**Marriage Therapists and Counselors:** Professionals who support couples will find valuable strategies to incorporate within therapeutic settings.
**Newlyweds or Engaged Couples:** Those beginning their journey together can greatly benefit from this foundational guide to prevent common pitfalls.
**Individuals Experiencing Marital Struggles:** Offers actionable advice for individuals looking to resolve conflicts and improve the quality of their marriage.
**Relationship Enthusiasts and Academics:** Readers interested in the social science of relationships will appreciate the empirical research and insights.

About the author

Dr. John Gottman is a renowned American psychologist and professor emeritus of psychology at the University of Washington, with over 50 years of experience in marital stability and divorce prediction research. He has authored or co-authored over 40 books and 200 published academic articles, earning numerous major awards, including being named one of the Top 10 Most Influential Therapists of the past quarter-century by Psychotherapy Networker. He co-founded The Gottman Institute with his wife, Dr. Julie Schwartz Gottman, and is known for his groundbreaking work in "The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work," a practical guide for building and repairing relationships.