It’s OK That You’re Not OK by Megan Devine cover

It’s OK That You’re Not OK

Meeting Grief and Loss in a Culture That Doesn’t Understand

by Megan Devine

4.7(11,336 ratings)
10 min read

Brief overview

This book offers a compassionate path through grief, showing that loss isn’t a problem to be solved but a natural response to loving deeply. It explores how social expectations often fail those in mourning and guides readers toward finding a personal, meaningful way to carry pain without denying its reality.

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Why Grief Matters

Grief may feel overwhelming, even impossible, but it’s also a natural reaction to losing someone or something precious. The problem is, our culture often sees grief as an obstacle to overcome rather than an experience to be lived. This fosters a sense of failure when you’re unable to “bounce back” on schedule.

In reality, there’s no universal timeline for grief. The urge to hide your sorrow or rush toward a “cure” can intensify the ache. Recognizing grief as a normal result of love can shift your perspective and help you stand gently in your pain, rather than run from it.

By acknowledging that nothing is wrong with you—even if your heart is shattered—you free yourself from the notion that grief needs fixing. You can let sadness exist. This is the first step toward carrying your loss in a more sustainable way, one that honors the love you still hold.

Grief is love adjusting to an unthinkable absence, not a broken part of you to be repaired.

When Comfort Fails

In the wake of a major loss, people around you may rush in with phrases meant to comfort—yet their words often minimize how badly you’re hurting. That’s because most view pain as a problem they can fix: “You’ll feel better soon,” or “This happened for a reason.”

It’s natural to feel hurt or even enraged when such sentiments make it sound like you needed this suffering to grow. The unseen half of those “comforting” sentences suggests that your grief must be wrapped up nicely rather than acknowledged for the devastation it truly is.

Sometimes, the best thing to hear is simply, “I see your pain, and I’m here with you.” No forced optimism—just honest witnessing. When people drop their urge to fix you and instead show up for what you’re actually feeling, you may find a sense of relief that’s deeper than quick-fix positivity.

"Words don’t always comfort, but standing close to someone’s sorrow speaks volumes."

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What is It’s OK That You’re Not OK about?

“It’s OK That You’re Not OK” offers a deeper look into what happens when real grief meets cultural pressures to ‘fix’ emotional pain. Megan Devine breaks down why mourning is not a sign of failure or weakness, but a natural, honest response to losing someone dear. She guides readers to consider how common advice to “move on” often causes more harm, emphasizing that healing grows from acknowledging your grief rather than running from it.

This book stands out by rehumanizing sorrow. It highlights that pain deserves understanding and respect, not hurried solutions. In a world eager for quick optimism, Devine shows that grief is part of love, and learning to live alongside it can foster genuine emotional resilience. Her approach affirms that it’s alright to carry grief without shame, paving a path toward compassionate self-care and true community support.

Review of It’s OK That You’re Not OK

Megan Devine’s primary strength is her compassionate refusal to treat sorrow as a disorder. She lays out her argument with clear examples of how cultural narratives around self-help inadvertently pressure grievers to feel better fast. By contrasting unavoidable pain with needless suffering, she provides practical ways to honor the deeper truth of loss—such as setting boundaries with well-meaning but hurtful voices, practicing honest self-care, and finding friends who can handle raw grief.

Her writing style is direct and thoughtful, offering a balanced blend of professional insight and personal warmth. Devine’s advice is accessible for anyone confronting loss of any magnitude, from the death of a loved one to other significant life changes. Ultimately, this book reminds us that grief is a valid expression of love, and Devine recommends meeting it head-on rather than trying to outrun it.

Who should read It’s OK That You’re Not OK?

  • Therapists and counselors looking to refine a more empathetic approach to grief support
  • Individuals navigating the loss of a loved one who feel pressured to “move on” too soon
  • Community or spiritual leaders aiming to foster healthier spaces for mourning
  • Friends and family members seeking better ways to speak and act around the bereaved
  • Anyone questioning why cultural norms treat sadness as a problem rather than a natural experience

About the author

Megan Devine is a psychotherapist, writer, and advocate for change on a cultural level, with a Master's degree in counseling psychology. She has over 20 years of experience in the field and is the founder of Refuge in Grief, a hub of grief education and outreach. Her work has been featured in various media outlets, including The New York Times, NPR, and Harvard Business Review, and she is the author of the best-selling book "It’s OK That You’re Not OK: Meeting Grief and Loss in a Culture That Doesn’t Understand". She is a sought-after expert on grief and has spoken to a wide range of audiences on the topic.

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