Come as You Are

We all pick up messages about sex long before we have any real experience of it. Often, those messages are muddled, contradictory, or shame-inducing. As a result, many women feel broken or uncertain about their bodies and desires. This book aims to replace that confusion with clarity and hope, showing that sexual well-being is within reach for everyone.

Here, you’ll discover that your body is normal, even if what you’ve heard in media or from peers suggests otherwise. You’ll learn how stress, cultural expectations, and emotional context shape your arousal. Rather than panic over a lack of desire or so-called dysfunctions, you’ll find that the science of sexuality explains why every reaction has a purpose.

Ultimately, this book argues that embracing curiosity, kindness toward yourself, and an understanding of how your brain works are powerful keys to unlocking a fulfilling sex life. The journey begins by recognizing what we’ve been taught—and how much of it deserves to be challenged.

Fundamental to this book is the idea that sexual response relies on two intertwined brain mechanisms: a sexual accelerator and a sexual brake. Imagine the accelerator as the part of your mind that notices enticing, 'sexually relevant' cues and says “yes.” The brake, on the other hand, notices potential threats or worries—things that say “stop.”

Women vary in how sensitive these accelerators and brakes are. Some easily get turned on but rarely experience signals that halt desire. Others have extremely sensitive brakes—one small worry, a stressful day, or a stray thought about body image can shut everything down. Neither pattern is inherently flawed; it’s just a matter of what you need to turn on the ons and turn off the offs.

Understanding your own unique balance—perhaps you have a moderate accelerator but an extra-alert brake—can change your sexual life. Instead of blaming yourself for a low libido, you can tune in to ways of reducing distractions or cultivating supportive surroundings. The more you get to know your own accelerator-brake combo, the more confident and empowered you’ll feel.